FAMILY AND PARENTING

How can I Rebuild Damaged Family Relationships?

 After 17 yrs, I no longer visit my in-laws. Classic alcoholic family in whose presence I feel “crazy.” We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving 2005 with either my husband’s family or my own. Spent Christmas in Maui, the first one away from either family. My sister verbally attacked me when I celebrated Christmas with my family on Dec 31. She was “defending” my mom who was upset we didn't spend the holidays with her. I stayed in my heart, listened, and did not get defensive, as I could “see” what was happening. Even so, my inner child freaked out, and has been ever since. I have talked with both my sister and mom about “that night” but Easter was the first time the family was together since Dec 31. It seems like I no longer trust my mom or sister. How can I rebuild relationships that seem damaged?

Begin by rebuilding your awareness of your worthiness and theirs. That fact that you freaked out for such a long time tells me that you harbor a deep sense of obligation to please them. When people are so demanding, you do not serve them by simply doing what they demand. You serve them by finding a place of wholeness inside yourself no matter what they do. Use this situation as a venue to practice peace. You are a fine and wonderful person even if you choose not to visit them. You deserve a Maui vacation and quality time with your family. Your relatives are good people, just in fear and subject to programming they received. You can reverse that programming by heeding the voice of love, beginning with self-love. Do not trust people who are alcoholic, angry, and demanding. Instead, trust the ones inside them that you really love, and who really love you. Relate to their true inner being rather than their aberrant expression, and you will optimize the changes you desire.

Good Books for Adolescents?

Have you written any books directed towards adolescents? If not, is there one of your books that you would recommend for that age group? I would love for my 11-year-old boy to be expose to your uplifting life philosophy before he gets bogged down with the way most of us live our lives today! I've really been enriched by Why Your Life Sucks and have given several copies to friends. Thank you for sharing your wonderful insights!

    Your son might like my books Dare to Be Yourself and Are You As Happy as Your Dog?  I would also recommend Abraham-Hicks’ CD Conversations with God for Teens (www.abraham-hicks.com)

    Bless you for caring so much about your son’s journey. I’m sure he is in good hands.                   

How can I Love my Parents when they didn’t Show me Love?

I first saw one of your articles in the Monthly Aspectarian a few years ago and since then have read a few of your books.  I agree with a lot of your thoughts and have been trying to find fulfillment and inner happiness for a long time.   I’ve grasped from your books that love seems to be the only way to find happiness.  I’ve had a hard time with that because I don’t feel like I was shown love or affection by my parents as a child and that has affected my relationship with myself, others and even God.  I recently heard a speaker say that love is a choice.  My problem is that I don’t really feel love towards my parents and others even though I know I should and I don’t want to fake it with them either.  I’d appreciate your thoughts on this.

Very few people received the love and affection from their parents that they wished they had. Yet there was love and affection, even if a little. You cannot go back and make things different than they were, but you can make choices now that point you to find love and affection right where you stand.  Marianne Williamson said, “We’re not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.”  You can enjoy the love you missed by giving it now ― starting with yourself. Give your parents whatever love or kindness you can without faking it. Don’t force yourself to be with them, but when you are, do your best to create a positive experience for you and them. Sometimes we feel more connected to people we know briefly than we do to our biological family. Richard Bach notes, “Our truly family is not one of blood, but of Spirit.”  As you follow your spirit, you will be in your right place. When you give yourself permission to be you, just as you are, you may find more permission for your parents and family members to be themselves, just as they are.

Why won't my Daughter talk to me?

I am a spiritual person and I try to understand and help other people. 15 years ago I got out of an abusive 20-year marriage. I have five children, all affected by the abuse in different ways. Seven years after the divorce three of the younger children wanted to know their father. I thought that  was a wonderful opportunity for forgiveness and healing. So slowly I got father and children together, and we all spent three Christmases and birthdays together. My ex-husband developed a great relationship with my youngest daughter who did not remember any of the bad times; she moved in with him with my approval. But it was all a trap - he isolated her and brainwashed her  against me and the rest of the family. My daughter doesn't talk to me anymore. She is 19 now and she does not remember our life together.

Here is an opportunity for you to move beyond a sense of victim and establish yourself in  appreciation and trust. You were sincere and thoughtful to encourage forgiveness and healing in your family, and you can be sure your efforts were not wasted. Practice trusting by letting your daughter grow up in her own way and discover her right relationship with you, as well as with her father. If she and her father chose to live together, I imagine they have a connection which serves both of them. Know that there is a part of her that remembers and loves you, and that her brain is bigger than the part that could be brainwashed. If your relationship with her is good and healthy at its foundation, she will come to recognize that. If you get to talk with her, ask her about why she does not want to communicate. You may hear things that will be useful to you. Keep holding your former husband, daughter, and family in the light of love. Pray for clarity and resolution, and let time sort things out in everyone’s best interests. You can hasten your success by relaxing, releasing, and knowing that your daughter can make wise decisions. Behind the appearances, she loves you and all is unfolding perfectly.

How Can I Help my Aging Parents without Resentment?

I bought your book Why Your Life Sucks 2 years ago and tucked it away. I recently came across it while moving. Your words were waiting until I was ready. I am. Thank you. I need insight on my current situation. I'm 47 years old and the primary caregiver, by choice, of my aging parents. Because money is an issue and they need daily care, I'm selling my much loved town home to move in with them. Back to the home I grew up in. I went from a girl with hopes and dreams; kids, pets, a loving husband, to a twice married and divorced, childless woman moving back home. I am working on a BA in Criminology & have fulfilling volunteer work and a fairly satisfying job. But I feel I'm going backwards and will lose my life as my parents’ needs grow. I love them and want to be there for them but I find myself very depressed at what looks like a bleak, uncertain future. Can I find joy while feeling overwhelmed and, I'm ashamed to say, a little resentful?

    Here you have a powerful opportunity to reframe. Your interpretation and expectations of the situation are bringing you down more than the situation itself. Can you find another way to look at this that leaves you feeling better and empowered?  For example:  You must love your parents very much to be willing to help them as you describe. They must be good parents for you to want to do this, and you must have a dear relationship. They will always appreciate your support. They will not be alive forever, so in this temporary situation you have a powerful window of opportunity to connect with them in a meaningful way. Your time with them does not have to grow more bleak and depressing, but can grow more connected and rich in love. When they do pass on you will feel a sense of wholeness and completion about your relationship with them.

     The hopes and dreams you have had are not for naught. You can still create a successful marriage if you like, and find other ways to mother. All of your relationship experiences have brought you to where you now stand, and everything you are doing is standing on the shoulders of what you have learned.

     You can use your sense of resentment as a springboard for transformation. Either find a way to hold your course of action (as suggested above with the reframing) that leaves you feeling good, or don’t take on a situation in which you are going to grind against yourself or your life. You love your town home. Is there a way you can keep it and still help your parents?  If you are happy in your home, you will have more joy and energy to give them when you are with them, and you will be clearer minded to see options helpful to both them and you.  Keep looking for win-win situations. Can you get part time help to assist them? Are other family members willing to help? Do you really think God wants or requires you to lose in order to help them?  There is very possibly a way you can have it all. Keep feeling around for solutions that work for everyone, and you will find them.

     You deserve a life, a relationship, cared-for parents, and joy. Recognize your deservingness to have what you want, and you will find that your life is not ending, but beginning.

Scared to See Son in Pain

Why do I feel so bad and guilty? Hi Alan, thank for always shinning your LIGHT ! My son is 26 yrs . old, very sensitive soul, have never been able to connect to the world and for about a couple of years have been in a destructive energy ,having told by drs. that he is mentally sick and been medicated, I always had felt that he is an indigo kid, I have told him to look for help in the spiritual world but no matter what I do nothing has been helping, now he was told that he has the hiv virus, , I found out too that he is using drugs, I understand that is his choice what he does with his life , but I am feeling that when things get really bad ,he is going to want to come home for me to take care of him , and I feel angry and sad because i am going to have to be victimize by this and i have work really hard to allow my self to be free of feeling like a victim , but i feel he is my son and I can not abandon him. But i am scared of seeing him in pain.

Certainly any loving mother would feel the same as you, wanting to help her child but feeling powerless to make decisions for him that he needs to make for himself.

You are right - your son is something of an Indigo, or deliberate creator. Very often people who are alcoholics, use drugs, or have mental problems are highly sensitive souls who just have a hard time coping with the intensity of life, so they find some addictive way to siphon off their pain and buffer themselves from a world they find to be harsh. The good news is that when such people learn to integrate their sensitivity with practical action, they leave their addictions behind and become very strong, and often become teachers. It would not surprise me if this were your son's course.

In the meantime, his life is not working and he wants you to take care of him. You are not in a good position to do so, since you are so worried about him, and you feel victimized by him. I can't tell you how many mothers (and some fathers) I have heard this same saga from. Practically all of them eventually came to the realization that their guilt and fear around their child were not helping the child in the least (to the contrary) and their relationship really shifted, along with their child's progress when they set clear boundaries and encouraged the child to stand on his or her own two feet. It takes guts to do this, and you have to face (probably life-long) guilt issues within you, but if you can get beyond your need to be his savior, he might find a savior in himself, or God, or a treatment program or someone or something that truly helps. (Watch the film Stand and Deliver)

See this as an opportunity for you to practice not acting from guilt, and seeing your son as strong and capable to make healthy decisions. At the very least you are not going to support him to continue a lifestyle that is hurting him. The more you treat him as a whole person (even if he does not appear to be so), the more he will step into his power as such.  Worry is not a form of love Vision, confidence, and belief in him are. Now it is time for you to really care for him in a way that helps him shift his life from inside out.

Gift from my Four-Year-Old Daughter

I have been reading Dare to be Yourself for the 2nd time. It's such a fantastic book, and I want to thank you for writing. Your writing has really helped me change my life. I also wanted to tell you about my four-year-old daughter. Before her fourth birthday, I was asking her what she wanted for her birthday. Of course I was expecting a long list of things she had seen on commercials or at school. When she said, "I want whatever I get", I laughed and thought about what a cute thing that was for her to say. The longer I thought about it, and the more I repeated those words, I realized the gift she had given me. I had been struggling with feeling like I was not getting what I wanted out of life. I had been pushing to get a new job and to make our house perfect and to make my body perfect and nothing was changing. I was so frustrated and depressed because I could not change all the things that I thought were making me miserable. Finally it dawned on me that if I could just "want whatever I get", whatever God had given me, my life would sort of fall back into place. So, now, I just remind myself that whatever I get is what I want. I appreciate what I have rather than cursing what I don't have. My four-year-old's gift to me has helped me find peace, and I would not have seen the gift if I had not been reading your books. Thank you again, and know that I appreciate you.
 

What a wonderful lesson! Thank you so much for posting this. Your daughter is obviously very connected to her inner wisdom, and you are obviously open to receiving the gifts she shares. I expect it is no accident that she and you have connected as parent and child. There are two ways we change our life: one is to change the world around us, and the other is to change our mind. Appreciation is the quickest route to change our mind - and heart. Choosing to value and celebrate what we have is a high and holy path to peace. Bless you and your daughter for discovering this together and inspiring the rest of us.

More Brilliance from a Child

You may recall we met years ago at Crystal Mountain (1986 -- Washington State) when I produced/directed the “Dare to Be Yourself” videotape. Since then my wife and I have enjoyed following your ministry. I’ve been meaning to write to you for quite some time now. Your great new website has prompted me to make today the day. I suspect you are always on the lookout for new and interesting stories or quotes. With this in mind, I’d like to share with you some of the wit and wisdom from our son (now age four) that has blessed our family during the past couple of years (see below). Thanks for your words of enlightenment and encouragement,-- Scott, Erin and Michael Scott ScowcroftBp846@scn.orgMicheal Jack Maguire Scowcroft quotes 2002-03“You can’t unwrinkled a wet thumb.” “Does the lightning ask the question and the thunder answer?” “What would happen if I wore cloud screen.” (looking at a tube of sun screen) “Is tock-tick a backwards clock?” “Don't talk to the phone, it doesn't call me anymore." “I heard whoops come out of my mind.” (after dropping something from his highchair) “If I put on my shoes my socks will stay on better.” “If I see a leopard running in the driveway, I will have to catch it.” “I think the sun is mixed up with the fog.” (Commenting on an autumn day.)Mid-reprimand, Michael retorted, “I don’t want this conversation. It’s too complicated. ”Michael: “Daddy, go away." Mommy: “Michael, we speak to Daddy politely. ”Michael: “Daddy, I love you. Please go away.”Micheal: Who teaches 9 & 10 year olds? Mommy: Depends on what school you go to. Michael: It’s a school far far far away in a big ugly building and you have an elevator to go to the third floor. Michael (to Mommy at bedtime): “No more kisses for today. I have to make more. In your heart is 100 pieces of machinery, so if one breaks the other makes kisses. So they will make kisses over night. And you will make more kisses overnight. Mommy: So will you make me lots of kisses? MJM: I’ll make you 100 million and 82 kisses.
 

Hi Scott, It sure is good to hear from you! I always appreciate the wonderful work you did to create "Dare to Be Yourself." Many have found inspiration and upliftment in that video. Your son's wisdom is delightful. Thanks for sharing it. He is a wise and humorous being indeed. Sounds like parenting agrees with you beautifully. Take care, friend.

A Book to Help Parents?

Have you ever thought about writing a book to help parents instill joy and peacefulness in their children? I have read many of your books and often think about how to instill some of your teachings in my son.
 

I have not written such a book, but many of the principles, as you have probably discovered, are included in many of my books. I cannot call myself an authority on parenting because I have never raised a child. (I have raised my dog Munchie, but he is a lot easier!) The simplest answer is to be as joyful as you can personally, so you give your children a model of someone living authentically from the heart. As you know, they learn a lot more from your energy than your words. I can also recommend some good friends of mine, Barry and Joyce Vissell, who have devoted their lives to family and parenting, and have much practical experience and good advice. You can find their info at www.sharedheart.org

Father Viewing Child Porn

First I want to say that I REALLY enjoy what you share in life! Thank you! : ) I have a situation and I wonder if you have a suggestion? I have a son who is three. When he was 14mo old, his father and I split up because his father was viewing child porn on the internet. I am not allowing my son to visit with his father. I have mixed feelings as I don't want my son to miss out in life, but also feel the strong need to protect him. Do you have any suggestions? His father sees nothing wrong in what he has done. Also, he feels no obligation to support our son. Thank you in advance for your time!
 

You need to find the balance between supporting your son (and his father) to have a loving relationship, and protecting your son from potential abuse. You don't want to go too far in either direction. This process may take time, caring, honesty, and compassion, but it is indeed doable.

If you think about it, you've set up a situation where there are very rich lessons available for everyone. Your husband needs to face and deal with his fascination with child pornography. Regard this not as an evil, but as a call for love. He needs to channel his sexuality in a healthy direction. What is he really looking for? Could he be attempting to merge with his own inner child, his innocence? Certainly some form or counseling or therapy would be helpful, and if you could be involved in it (with his consent) that would be empowering for all of you. (I wonder if his unwillingness to support his child is related to his issues about his own inner child.)

In this situation, you need to lift your consciousness to see it from the highest perspective. Einstein said that you can never solve a problem at the level at which it exists. You must rise higher than the dilemma to see the answer. Indeed the entire purpose of the dilemma is to get you to rise higher than it.

      The good news is that all of you - you, your (former?) husband, and your son, are all bigger than the obvious problem. Remember that when addressing both of them. Speak to the strength and wholeness within each of them, and that is what will come forth. And remember the same for yourself.

Dealing with Empty Nest

Were you looking over my shoulder when you wrote the my life sucks boo? I am 46 Jewish and recently became an empty nester. I lived every facet of my life for my daughter. I even married a few men to make her life better. Rachel is now moving across country. How do I live just for me? How do I find the joy to go on? Help!

 

Bless the fact that your daughter is moving to her next step, for it is directing you home to yourself and the life you would choose. Now you can remember more deeply who you are and find satisfaction in pursuing your own visions and goals. During the exciting period of your transition and adjustment, you will find new strength and meaning in your life.

      Then reframe the time you devoted to your daughter's growth. Recognize it as a blessing to both of you. I'm sure you love her very much and you gave her a strong foundation to build her own life. So that period had great meaning and value.

      Now you are onto a new segment. Celebrate how marvelously life leads us to new and richer levels of living and awakening. Stay on the cutting edge of your truth, and watch your journey unfold with new colors and dimensions.

Fearful of Abuse

I do so enjoy your books.  I am having a hard time with the father of my youngest child.  We knew each other a short time before I became pregnant and we were engaged to be married.  I postponed the wedding as I didn't feel comfortable with it so soon.  I had been married at 16 years of age for a duration of 15 years.  I have two older children raised and living o­n their own.  My new partner is eight years younger than I am and had never had a relationship of over 4 months prior to us.  After our child was born and I was back to work as he was not supporting us.  I came home o­ne day to find a new icon o­n the desktop.  I clicked it and found it linked to a child porn site.  I talked to many professionals and then to the local police o­nly after confronting my partner.  He felt that I invaded his privacy, but felt he didn't do anything wrong.  "What does it matter if I look at that or any other porn to masturbate to" was his response.  I wrote a report to the police after finding out that it is a class 2 felony to view child porn.  The police confiscated the computers and found no incriminating evidence.  I meanwhile moved out of the house and haven't lived with him since.  I have had contact with him and our son who is now nearing four years of age asks about his father.  I allow them to visit when I am there.  I sway between never allowing him to see our son, and wanting to get back together with him.  He is a spiritual person, but it seems uses the terminology to allow himself the freedom to do what I deem immoral.  He maintains that I am judging him.  He tells me to stay in the moment.  I have two granddaughters (4 & 2) whom I will not allow to be around him.  He said I am silly to be worried about what "might" happen.  I meditate for clarity and feel empathy for him and our son who are separated.  Then I feel fear when I consider allowing him back into the home.  (There is also the issue of his refusal to pay child support and not working any type of regular employment. That causes me to consider my supporting ALL of us if he does come back.) Is there any advise you can send my way, so I am remaining in my spiritual truth, and allowing both he and our son their truth in interacting?  I appreciate all you do! Thank you for the daily quotes and wonderful literature with connections to so many beautiful insights!! Blessings, Maylyn   
 

Hi Maylyn, This is a delicate situation, yet it offers you many valuable lessons and opportunities for healing and empowerment. Begin by recognizing that it is no accident that you drew this man into your life and co-parented a child. All of you signed up for your interrelationships, each for your own lessons of soul growth. So hold it all in the framework of appreciation for the awakening you can gain together. You were wise to set clear boundaries when you discovered your partner had a propensity for child pornography. Yet real healing here calls for more than legal action; it is a call for honesty, love, and clarity, on his part and yours. It is beautiful that your son wants a relationship with his father. While your tendency is to push this man away, your son is yearning for connection. God bless children and animals for the purity of their intent! They humble us with their sincere love. Have you asked your partner outright if he would ever think of molesting your child or grandchildren? I imagine by now he knows how serious of an issue this is for you. What is his vision of the time he wants to spend with his child? Does he even want to? Support him to talk about his feelings about why he is drawn to pornography, and how he sees his relationship with his child and children. You have stepped into a defensive adversarial role, and while you have your good reasons, you may want to reach for a next level of communication. The more attention you pay to this man’s higher soul qualities, the more you will be likely to bring them forth. I suggest you invite your partner to go to counseling with you. If he is serious about improving his relationship with you and his son, he will take you up on it. You have made a wise choice to allow your partner to visit with his son while you are present. There is a part of you that does care for this man and wants to let him into your heart. You can do this in steps, seeking to build trust on both of your parts. How is his energy, connection, and communication with his son when you are all together? Does he love his son and want to be with him? How much does he want to be with you? Is there love between you, or is it a convenience for him, for his reasons, and you for yours? Do you both want to be together, or does it work out best for both of you to have your own lives? Sometimes parents join together to bring a child into the world and their purpose is not to have an ongoing intimate relationship.

      Pray and meditate on what the truth is about your son’s father and you. I love what you wrote about allowing your partner and son their truth in interacting. They do have a truth they are both seeking to discover. Perhaps they are strong enough to find it. Have confidence in your inner knowing. You can set boundaries with love, and grow the love simultaneously.

Getting Love from Mom

I am writing for advice on how to handle a situation with my mother. I was never the ""favorite"" child. I believe now that was because my father begged her to become pregnant with me. I have surmised that she really was not ready to become a mother and resented my presence. I have seen so many examples of her preference for my sister and it did/does hurt very much. This preference not only applies to me but to my child unfortunately. My sister's child is now the "favorite" child. It's impossible to ignore this favoritism. It's hard enough to acknowledge it for myself but I will soon have to answer my son's questions about this situation. My question is this, should I confront her and get all the cards out on the table? I long for a close relationship with her. I feel like I have missed so much because we are not close. However, I risk losing what little I have if do. What is your advice?

While it is easy to understand that you would like equal attention from your mother for yourself and your child, you are placing too much emphasis on your mother as the source of your love and good. She is a human being, and as such, will have preferences. We all do. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to recognize and practice that your true source of love and good is God, the universe, and life itself. Richard Bach notes that our true family is not of blood, but of spirit. Are there other people in your life who love and support you, and see the good in you that you wish your mother did?  If so, celebrate them as your pipeline to good. Remember that your supply comes from inside, not outside. You are whole and loveable just as you are, right where you are, no matter whether your mother acknowledges that or not. She may love you more than you know. Do tell her that you long for a close relationship with her. What mother would not be honored to hear that. Before you speak, though, get clear and relaxed and whole and loving from your center, not your fear or sense of loss. Speak to her from a foundation of appreciation, not need, and you will get the best results.

I am not my Mom

How do I handle a father who is full of negativity and bitterness about his divorce from my mother?  How do I match up to his lofty expectations of me and try and get him to accept that I am ME and not a clone of my mom? I try to project love towards him but he can crush me in o­ne fell swoop with a look or a word and then I feel so utterly sad about our situation that it just seems easier to run away from the issues.

It's not your dad that you need to convince, but yourself. If you recognize your beauty and worth just as you are, and that you are not required to be a clone of your mom, it won't matter what your dad thinks or does. You will be at peace with yourself. He is simply reflecting to you your own beliefs and expectations. In the long run, he is helping you learn to love yourself. As soon as you do (more than now) he will cease to be an issue and you will be free.

New Perspective on Addiction?

I need to have a new perspective on my daughter and her drug addictions. This has gone on for about 8 years. Now she is addicted to Heroin. Her darkness and the drama of her life makes me panic and feel sad and I find myself trying to save her constantly. I find myself scared to answer the phone at times...Please help me to find a new perspective on this. Thanks Robin
 

Certainly when you love someone very much, especially your own child, seeing them in pain and drama can be very upsetting. I understand the depth of your concern about your daughter and your desire for her to find peace and well-being.

    Begin by recognizing that within her lives a very wise, whole, and loving being. That is the truth about her. Her drug addiction is a temporary detour from knowing and living her true beautiful self. The more you remember her inner strength and reflect that to her, the more it will come forth.

Next, recognize that her addiction is an attempt to escape or find relief from the pain she experiences in her life. It is her way of saying that what she has been doing is not working, and she wants a happier path. If you can get her to talk about the pain or fear that has led her to an addiction, you can begin to help her undo it.

    Remember that every act is either a skillful or unskillful call for love. Obviously drug addiction is an unskillful attempt. If you can give her the love that she is seeking, or help her find ways to get it, you can feed her soul, which will short circuit the need for outer relief.

    Now, this is key: Try to understand that worry is not a form of love. The more upset you get with or about her, the less effective you will be to help her. She needs someone who sees clearly and confidently, and knows her power to move beyond the corner she has painted herself into. Do what you can personally to keep your peace. Pray, meditate, get outdoors, listen to music, be with dear friends. Fill yourself so that you speak to her from a place of wholeness. Then you maximize your power to get through to her.

    Next, consider that she has taken on this experience to learn and grow. Through this she is developing insights and soul strength. While you would never choose this path for her, it is obviously a portion of the life path that she has chosen for herself. Perhaps there is a divine plan or purpose behind it. Keep reminding yourself that she is smart and strong enough to handle and master it. I have worked with many many people in my seminars who have gone through and overcome drug addiction, and they are all stronger for it.

    Finally, I suggest the obvious. Encourage her to get into a rehab program, ideally one with a spiritual foundation, like Narcotics Anonymous. Do this not from a place of fear or pressure, but love and holding the highest vision of her possibilities.

    Both you and your daughter have the power and resources to handle this.